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M O U T H F E E L

Serena Campbell @maddsc11

24, Female

Student (?)

None

St. Petersburg, FL

Joined on 11/24/06

Level:
8
Exp Points:
650 / 710
Exp Rank:
72,909
Vote Power:
5.04 votes
Rank:
Scout
Global Rank:
38,172
Blams:
82
Saves:
156
B/P Bonus:
4%
Whistle:
Garbage
Medals:
420

maddsc11's News

Posted by maddsc11 - September 28th, 2018


I'm alive.

That's the main bullet point here.

There was a time where it was looking like that wasn't going to be the case, but I think all that fear and darkness was simply a way of pushing me to where I am now and onto the path that I'm on.

About 5 months ago I was on the brink of suicide. My relationship with my husband completely unraveled and we were both stuck in a confusing, elaborately constructed version of hell. He took his pain out on me and I took my pain out on myself. I could only cope for so long before I thought I couldn't bear it anymore. Something had to change. I either had to die, or rethink my entire life.

I'm sitting here today, so you can guess what I chose. I left my husband, and I'm focusing on myself and trying to climb out of the hole I dug for three years. It's incredibly difficult, but I know for certain that I made the right call.

Also, no more living as a man! That shit sucked yo.

 


Posted by maddsc11 - December 16th, 2017


It's hard to frame this simply as "me sad. cry cry," since nothing is that simple. I find myself remembering the times I used to "contribute" to this website. It was an artistic outlet that I took advantage of. I don't have anything like that these days, and probably may never find any kind of inspiration or motivation to create as I once did.

As a child I guess it's easier to create without fear of judgement, because you can look at your work outside of the scope of the entire existing body of work that has already been made. I could just make shitty things and feel good about them (despite receiving criticism and even feeling bad about it in the moment). It was freeing and exhilirating, as creating should be. I don't know why these days I have an overpowering mental block from creating anything. I have attempted to do as such, but to no satisfying end. I set my standards impossibly high and inevitably fail at them. I ridicule myself for even having the idea of myself as an artist, because I've never accomplished anything truly meaningful in a creative sense. It's a saddening thought.

So it's no wonder that I tie my depressive episodes to this idealized version of myself in the past as a bold, fearless creator. I drew stick figure comics and made flash cartoons and games whenever I could get my hands on the tools to do so. And now I have more access to creative implements than I ever did at that age and I find myself just wasting all my time on meaningless bullshit. I continue to struggle with understanding this block that I've experienced these past several years, but I still have hope that I can gather the strength to lift it away and truly pursue something that has meaning to me. I know that I want to create. I don't know what or how I'll create, but I know that it's what I want to do, and that knowledge is the spark that lights the way through these dark times.

I have never felt more antagonized by impossible darkness than now. I feel the overwhelming sense of dread that I will never be able to exist authentically in this increasingly dehumanizing world. The structures of power which guide society in the way that they do fail to change visibly as time goes on, and the weight only seems to get heavier for everyone to lift. I have all hope for and faith in humanity, but my pessimism lies in these megalithic structures which can only be chipped at, particle by particle, evermore slowly.

Self-loathing is a hell of a drug, and I find it far too easy to slip into dramatic episodes of unease and dread at my own existence. Transient but increasingly stronger each time they occur. Self-harm and suicidal thoughts happen, but are intensely compressed into small moments, and the remainder of the episodes are long hours of emptiness and hopelessness.

Anxiety is more of a constant. Like sandpaper grating the insides of my organs, forcing my heart to pound slightly too much, and my body to tremor somewhat at inapproprate times. My breathing is irregular and my thoughts are tainted with fear and uncertainty. They rise and fall as the tide in a kind of circadian cycle. Sleep comes easy if I'm tired enough, but I still have overarching cycles of insomnia and hypersomnia.

I find comfort in drugs. Be they literal drugs, such as marijuana and alcohol, or metaphorical, such as companionship and mindless media consumption.

If our finances suffer, then the drug pipes run dry, creating an uncomfortable dependence on disposable income which almost never exists.

Perhaps it is these stresses which uphold this mental block keeping me from fully opening up creatively. Who knows.

I do know that I have been enjoying writing quite a lot, though.


Posted by maddsc11 - January 21st, 2016


Let's see what's happened through all these years... I'm hardly active on this site anymore and I don't really care about making animations or any of that stuff nowadays. Kinda sad, but hey I have grown [slightly]

I came out to myself and my family, graduated high school, went to college, changed my major a ton of times, am now majoring in Computer Science, dyed my hair pink, got married to a man whom I adore, and now live a life of dank memes and excessive amounts of whisky.

Things are cool. Again, no one keeps up with me here but I still have a glimmer of hope that millenia from now, these pages will be stored in some archive in Antarctica and tiny fragments of my life will be displayed to whomever finds them. maybe there'll be some inspiration there. Anyway here's to a lovely 2016


Posted by maddsc11 - March 23rd, 2011


What? you're actually reading more?
What do you expect to find in a post with a topic of 'HELLO!' in a userpage of someone you've never met or has accomplished anything notable on a site that a finite amount of people visit daily?

Well if it's amusement you're seeking, how about looking at my submissions.. I least recommend viewing my flashes, intermediately recommend listening to my audio, and most recommend looking at my art.
But overall its pretty bad so I don't know of any reason why you would be interested in being here...
Nevertheless.. welcome to my userpage...


Posted by maddsc11 - August 3rd, 2010


I am bored and I am just writing another post. It is 2:04 AM and I am just sitting here...
what's another one... O-o... He is stupid and he is just cramming another breakfast sandwich down his throat.


Posted by maddsc11 - June 26th, 2010


Umm, well i haven't made a post in awhile soo..... i'll post this picture i made for my cousin of PARAMORE!! (in stick figure form) so go see it in the art portal!! Its Called Paramore Stick Figures! unless you hate Paramore, then you can go shoot yourself......

I have flash now but it's flash 5, like the oldest version ever. However, my father wants to see if he can get a later version, because it will benefit him and his company.

As for myself, im doing fine. It's summer i'm chillaxin with my home dawgs and G-dizzles, and goin' to the beach! If only it weren't so damn hot down here in Florida >.<


Posted by maddsc11 - April 23rd, 2010


after an entire 2.2 years without flash, an unprecedented piece of news just reached me a few minutes ago. I may have flash again in the next few days to next week!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!! I can finally be a part of Newgrounds again, the only things I've submitted after A Chinese Story were Sanctuary, Star Fanatic, and Warped Pillars (one was made in paint, another in Photoshop, and the song was made on GARAGE BAND!!! YO!!) Also, like 30 minutes ago, I installed the trial for Flash MX 2004 after months of juggling through different computers and longing to be reunited with my best friend (Flash) I've gone through at least 4 or 5 trials between those times. So this will probably be the last trial of Flash I ever have to install
(unless my computer commits suicide again, i mean this computer IS pretty old, and not worthy of many functions that flash has to offer, but can still use them). So yes, expect to see a little Maddsc11 submissions in the near future !! =D

THERE'S HOPE FOR ME!!


Posted by maddsc11 - April 14th, 2010


Umm, yeah I never update my profile, so I decided to make a new post. May be a very long time until I have flash again, so in the mean time you can view my old, crappy flash submissions or enjoy my audio submission and art submissions.
also, here's a list of my blammed submissions (or at least ones I can remember)(not in complete chronological order and not the exact title . . . if it is the title i'll put (T) next to it, if it's close ill put (~T):

1. Something about yoshi and mario going to a movie theater . . . -made in 2005

2. King Kong: The short version(~T) - Made in 2006, stick figures with high pitched voices

3. A comic slide show that showcased three of my classics, that you've never heard of . . . 2006 or 7

4. Stick Fate (T) - 2007 a choose the death game, some people liked it

5. Flash Fugitives (T) - 2007, some guy escapes from flash and goes on the internet, the cursor draws stuff for him like laser cannons and staircases (sound familiar?)

6. Stickman Dressup - 2006, I don't actually know if I submitted this, but it may have been blammed. It's in my Game pack now, so whatever . . .

7. Maddsc11's Halloween Game Pack (~T) -2007 This was never submitted, but it was the Halloween version of my game pack, I couldn't submit it due to my many failures, i had to wait 2 weeks and make some changes. By the time I could submit it, it was half way through November . . .

8. A First Person shooter game - 2007, Though it was after Halloween, i still wanted to make something scary. I actually put a lot of effort into this and really thought people would like it, but the only problem was that it was only one screen of scary stuff. . . such as writing in blood on the wall, a head on a spike dripping blood, and a blood curdling moan. All while some guy with a robot hand holds a block-like gun. The funny thing is, it was one measly vote away from success, i wonder what the score would have been o-o . . . 199 votes =(

9. A fight between a karate master and a wizard - I just remembered this recently, i don't even remember when I submitted it. I also don't remember who won. But basically, I was just experimenting. It used all tweens and the characters were drawn with an anime-like style.
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Well yeah, those are all (or most) of my failures =D, i was 11-13 when I made all of these, but at least some of my accomplishments were appreciated to some extent, but that era is gone now, and now I can only look back . . .

If you're interested at all in what these submissions are, go to my old freewebs site that I made when I was 10(obviously when I got flash MX) it contains some of my OOOLD cartoons, King Kong and the Yoshi / Mario thing are Fresh material compared to what Is on that site. Including my very first Flash animation, and first Flash Cartoon. Also, there are some games on there including the draft of Stick Fate, with only 4 choices. Also there is a draft version of Stickman Dressup, and my very first "game". Be warned though, I made these from 10-12, don't read anything I have to say there, I was too naive back then. . . Finally, I can give you the address . . .

http://www.freewebs.com/catguy10

So thats it, I am VERY surprised you read all of that, even after stumbling upon my userpage!
Congratulations, you have no life . . . for bonus points you can go to the site!!! (please)

oh and i would love to see some more feedback on any of my old stuff, i would also love it if I had flash again =), also if you want to comment, then PLEASE tell me how you managed to make it to my userpage <=.


Posted by maddsc11 - May 15th, 2008


I won't be able to make any flash cartoons or games because my computer broke and all of the flash
files that aren't on the internet are gone along with flash itself. So now i'm bored. . .

PS: I lost the CD too

No new toons for awhile


Posted by maddsc11 - February 27th, 2008


I have a new cartoon on here now called the chinese story, it the first cartoon i submitted on here that didn't get blammed. I doubt anyone will ever read this page anyway, but someday when i'm a little more practiced in flash, i may become more cyber-popular (new term alert). In any case, this was also the best flash i ever submitted on here. Even though this only took an entire day (about 8-12 hours) to make,
it still pretty good, so go ahead and watch it.

PS: i will do even better next time if i remain resolute.

PPS: i turn 14 in about 6 1/2 months!