Once again I've remembered that I have this little place where I put life updates, for whatever reason. I almost thought I'd lost the account, but the staff very kindly updated the 20-year-old e-mail address attached to the account. Thank you Newgrounds support!
Anyway, wow! It's been pretty much exactly three years! I don't know what forces are at play that keep nudging me back here at such predictable intervals, but here I am. I post, go off and live some life, enough life happens and then ~something~ reminds me that this exists. Who am I to question the mysterious force? I dunno. So what's new for Serena?
Well mere weeks after I wrote the last post, I started spending a lot of time talking to a very nice and charming man. I had already met him several months before I wrote it, but didn't know I'd fall in love and that he'd end up being the most important person in my life. Have we met in person yet? No! But like, we're both content enough to know we don't gotta rush that sorta thing. We'll be okay :)
It's nice to have someone in your life that truly understands you and accepts you. My previous posts show that it's very hard to know when you actually have that. But I at least know that this time around has been infinitely better than the other two. I don't have to pretend I'm not hiding parts of myself or shaping myself to be what I think *they* want me to be. I'm just.. me!
Some months after my last post, I got a new job! It's a little vegan sandwich spot in my town. Over the years lots of people have come and gone through as co-workers. But I've made some very good friends here! I'm essentially a host/cashier/server/barback/barista/busser/tech person? Lol it's a small business with not many people running it so I do a lot of things. The customers like me, I'm quite good at what I do, and I'm proud of it, hehe. But at the end of the day a job's a job and doin the same thing day in day out can get dull for someone like meee. We'll see how much longer I'm able to last at the place.
And life's just kinda been happenin through all that. I lost my grandmother, and have been taking care of her cat--an equally very sweet old lady. I watched the entirety of One Piece, and it easily became my favorite series of all time. My brother moved away to a different state. I got a giant hard drive and started amassing entire libraries of consoles from the Atari to the Switch, just so I could play a part in preserving them in case they all get wiped from the internet, and also have fun going back and playing random old games whenever I wanted. I quit driving and began e-biking for my work commute because driving was causing me too much anxiety, which ironically resulted in me being hospitalized for a week after a collision with a truck. I have not ridden my bike since. At the same time as all that commotion my dad had his own health scare, and a massive hurricane ripped directly through my town. Thankfully I was safe in the hospital, but seeing the aftermath of such a storm after being discharged was... wild. Through all the chaos my family nearly dissolved. Stresses like these are hard on people.
But things worked out! I'm healed, and my family and home are intact. I also got a sick scar out of it all.
I don't do the 3D Modeling thing anymore, but I've still found time for creative outlets. 7 1/2 years ago I lamented on here about no longer being a bold fearless creator able to upload any ole thing I make to NG, uninhibited by shame. Thankfully I don't feel that mental block keeping me from being creative anymore. I make stuff when I want to, I share it with my friends, I don't care if it's flawed or messy or cringe, and I feel pride in it. I do wish I had free time to do it more. By far my favorite thing I've done is sing the entirety of Paramore's Brand New Eyes live on a twitch stream. I like singing, it soothes me. It was nice to be able to share that with people and have it be appreciated. I made all the lil art assets and designed (in the Sims 4) a fictional café in which it takes place that had lore and everything. I intend to do more with it!
I also said "I feel the overwhelming sense of dread that I will never be able to exist authentically in this increasingly dehumanizing world." Mhmm. Definitely not the kinds of things a person says when they're 6 months away from coming out as trans. But part of that still rings true. I am certainly existing in this world as my authentic self these days. But this world is for sure even more dehumanizing than it was back then. My fears now lie in the uncertainty of the future and whether history is moving in a direction where someone like me can no longer exist. But I have spent these years doing my best to prepare for the worst. Life inherently comes with suffering. No person goes through unscathed. The day will come where I will have to face extreme hardship. I may not survive.
But I'm still happy. I'm happy with the time I've spent here, with all I've been able to accomplish, with all the joy I've been able to bring into this world, and I'll continue to be happy up until the day the shoe drops. And fuck shoes! Fuck how they drop! I'm gonna keep doing me and whatever entity, be it metaphysical, divine, governmental, or human, tries to tell me I have dues to pay. I will squeeze out every last drop of what I can get out of this life whether you like it or not. If I don't make it, so be it. I've left my mark. My story lives on here, and through everyone else I've known. I will live.
